oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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