I'm going to jail i love you
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
