I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
