you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
