Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
