tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
