I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
