Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
