This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
