I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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