jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
