i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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