I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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