Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
