I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
