Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
