if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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