just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
