He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
