I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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