We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
