I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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