Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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