I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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