does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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