Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
