just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
