She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
