was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
