there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
