you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize