my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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