i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
