ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize