One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Dear god my vagina.
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