we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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