Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
