I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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