I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
