This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
