I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
