How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
