Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
