I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize