dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
