Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
