they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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