your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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