You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
our cab driver is having phone sex.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
