Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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