i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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