i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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