Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
