Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
