now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
