I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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